Speaking of fortune cookies, I’ve always wanted to sell a line of ‘misfortune cookies.’ Instead of one-liners from ancient Chinese philosophies, have things that read: “Yes, he/she is cheating on you” or “No, it isn’t fate or karma. Its just that your best simply isn’t good enough.”

Or how about some choice lines like:

“It is best to get your affairs in order soon, it will be easier on your loved ones…”

“At this very moment, while you are reading this fortune, your unmet soulmate has just passed you buy. Too late. You just missed your only chance at true happiness.”

“If you are an optimist, you should teach your children Japanese. If you are a pessimist, you should teach your children Chinese.”

“You are a fool.”

“Everything they ever told you is a lie. There are only worms and oblivion for us all.”

“The person who threaded the fortune into this cookie had SARS.”

“He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives under the yoke, dies under the yoke.”

“Look up. See the person smiling at you? That person is using you.”

“The last fortune you read was a lie meant to give you false confidence in your abilities.”

“You companion has fallen out of love with you.”

“The one closest to you will betray you very soon now…”

“Behind you!! Quick!!” and in smaller letters on the bottom: “Ha ha! Made you look!!”

“Your secret is not as safe as you think.”

“Turn the other cheek, it hurts less if you don’t struggle.”

“Your time is running out.”

“If you are reading this, then something terrible will befall you soon.”

“You will fail at your next important test. It will unfortunately be a watershed moment in your life.”

“You are being watched.”

“The meek shall inherit the earth, when the rapacious are through with it.”

“Master Frater says: The masses cannot be relied upon. The elites cannot be trusted.”

“You pissed off the cook a few weeks back. He got his revenge tonight. How was your dinner?”

“Tonight you have set off a chain of events that will unfold over time and return to haunt you. You will suffer dearly for it.”

“She knows about your affair.”

“Remember the strange behavior you noted a while back? Check in your child’s room, there is something hidden there that needs to be addressed.”

“It may be cold comfort, but rest assured, your murderer will be caught.”

These cookies would be best if they are mixed into similarly marked brands, say 1 bag of ‘misfortune cookies’ for every 5 bags of fortune cookies.

I also want to sell my own brand of T-shirts with Chinese characters on them. Stylish ones that people will buy. I’ll call them T-shirt, extra spicy. They wont seem any different then any of the others that you see on the market today, except if you happen to be able to read Chinese. Most such shirts say things like Triple Happiness, Fortune, Power, etc. Of course, just like normal Tees, no definitions will be given for the characters given on the shirt or anywhere on the packaging. The wearer’s will just assume they mean the same things. But they will not. My line will say things like:

“Laugh at me, for I am a stupid, cow-eyed dumb-shit who wears crap that I don’t even understand.”

“Don’t let the tough attitude fool you, I ————” Edited Let’s keep it pg-13 please!!!

“I am a eunuch.”

“Spit in this dork’s food. The dumb-ass won’t know the difference. If he could, he wouldn’t be wearing this shirt.”

“Chairman Mao say: Use the West against the West, just like we did!”

“If you can read this, then kick me in the balls. I secretly like that sort of thing.”

Potentially years of fun. Just not for the silly fool who would buy something with stuff written on it that he didn’t understand. I have some other ideas for slogans that would be designed to start fights with the (unknowing) wearer, but Nexeh would most likely just edit them if I tried to post ’em here, so just use your own imaginations *Wink*

Edit: Anglachael was correct I did have to edit a little 😛 -NeXeH